pineapple, fresh flowers and a full tank

Last semester when people found out I was taking a theatre class they said, "Oh, Caley, thats perfect for you. You'll be right at home in the drama deparment." Maybe they were right. What do you do when you get so good at acting that people can't even tell you're doing it? Or even better, when even you can't tell anymore. Have you ever lost "backstage (not gotten lost backstage, lost backstage itself)? Gone from one venue to the next without being able to find the dark behind the curtains, that place to hide from the lights strung up on the catwalk above up? Smile pretty and bat your eyes... Thats what I always say. Not only that, its what I always do. Practice what you preach right?....but what if sometimes the smile just hides a grimace and the batting just keeps the tears back? No one seems to be able to tell the difference anyway so does it really matter? Well, maybe not no one but there are so few exceptions...Why? I don't get it. I didn't even do that well in theatre class, you know. My one actual acting experience was for the final project and it was awful. I did better climbing down the river cliffs to dig around for broken glass and rusted metal to use as props than I did standing on stage performing. Maybe there's something to that...
I went home-home tonight. Then I came back home here. Which is home? Home is where the heart is...so...Where is the heart? What do you do when you don't know? Left of the mediasternum...thoracic cavity...blah blah blah...I know all of that but really...
They wouldn't give me anything with caffeine in it at the coffee shop tonight, if thats any indication of anything. Of course, "they" refers to Bekah, Jason and Paul who all (should) know me well enough to know when I should and shouldn't be given caffeine. On top of that, I wore black sweatpants with brown sandals tonight. Brown...black...sweatpants...I also had on the glasses I found on a Padelford boat this summer that actually have "Kate Spade" printed on one of the lenses. They aren't perscription, I don't think, but I was willing to try them out anyway just in case they somehow made me see clearer despite that fact.
Its time for bed.
I like this song. Its...true, I guess is the right word.
"Holy Water"
Somewhere there's a stolen halo.
I used to watch her wear it well.
Everything would shine wherever she would go,
But looking at her now, you'd never tell.

Someone ran away with her innocence,
A memory she can't get out of her head.
And I can only imagine what she's feeling when she's praying,
Kneeling at the edge of her bed.
And she says: "Take me away", and "Take, me Father."
"Surround me, now, and hold, hold, hold me like holy water:
Holy water.
She wants someone to call her "Angel";
Someone to put the light back in her eyes.
She's looking through the faces, and unfamiliar places.
She needs someone to hear her when she crys:
And she says: "Take me away", and "Take me, Father."
"Surround me, now, and hold, hold, hold me like holy water.
She just needs a little help,
To wash away the pain she's felt.
She wants to feel the healing hands,
Of someone who understands.
And she says: "Take me away", and "Take me, Father."
"Surround me, now, and hold, hold, hold me.

She says: "Take me away", and "Take me, Father."
"Surround me, now, and hold, hold, hold me like holy water:
"Like Holy water."

i've had a hard time deciding whether or not to actually publish this post but if you're reading it right now i guess i either decided not enough people go to this site for it to really matter if it went up or not or i came to the conclusion sometimes you've just gotta get things out there, no matter how muddled they are. if you don't know what to do with all of this don't worry, neither do i. as a friend always says, just embrace it. thats all you can do. all i can anyway.
:end sidenote